


This Was Unforeseeable, Aching To Be Near You

by reversecow



Series: Fool For You [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, Smut, the whole shebang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 13:31:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18142838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reversecow/pseuds/reversecow
Summary: Ashton crosses the room, ready to fall into his own bed and sleep for as long as possible when he hears Calum sniffle and let out a quiet sigh.“You’re never gonna love me.”---The night of Calum's 23rd birthday, he accidentally tells Ashton more than he ever planned to about his feelings. Ashton looks back at the last eight years and does some soul searching.





	This Was Unforeseeable, Aching To Be Near You

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Ryan for being my beta and favorite person. This took way too long to write for what it is. Title from Egg by Shoe.

 

“I’m not s’pposed to get this drunk around you.”

 

Calum’s face is squished into a fluffy pillow, and he’s slurring his words but Ashton still hears him. He’s almost finished settling Calum in for the night, he’s starfished on Ashton’s guest bed, his ridiculously tight pants shed five minutes ago and his shirt rucked up to his mid back. The dimples in his lower back are deep and Ashton thinks back to last year when Calum had fallen asleep on his stomach and Michael had balanced blueberries in them, delighted when they hadn’t rolled away.

 

They’d been out to a few clubs for Calum’s birthday that night, dancing and drinking and giggling, and it isn’t until Calum mumbles into his pillow that Ashton realizes it’s been forever since he’s seen him let loose like this. When he goes out, he’s careful with himself, knows his limits, but tonight, Luke bought him shot after shot and he kept going, far past what he would normally consume. Ashton himself had maxed out after a couple drinks, deciding to play chaperone for the night and make sure Calum made it safely through his birthday.

 

“You’re not?” Ashton asks playfully. “What are you worried about, Cal? Think I’m gonna weasel your social security number out of you, hm? Steal your identity and move to Guam?” Calum snorts and giggles, rolling over onto his back and gazing at the ceiling with a smile on his face. The moonlight seeps through the blinds on the window in Ashton’s guest room and falls on him in ribbons, his newly bleached hair bright in the dark room.

 

“ _Nooooooo_ ,” he replies, stretching out the word into a little melody, nodding his head back and forth and tapping his hands at his sides. “Because I’m probably gonna say something stupid now. I’m a stupid boy, and I’m probably gonna say something stupid to you an’ we’re never gonna know each other again. You’re really gonna move to Guam and marry a Guam lady and I’m gonna die in this bed, probably.”

 

Ashton stares at him, eyebrows raised in amusement. “Is that right? I’ll be honest with you, I’ve heard a lot of stupid shit come out of your mouth in the past few years, and yet here I am, folding your pants for you and tucking you in like a kid. I don’t think your intelligence level can scare me at this point, buddy.”

 

Calum snorts and Ashton watches him mouth the word ‘buddy’ a few times like he’s feeling it in his mouth, like he’s thinking it over.

 

“I think you’re all set, Cal. I left a trash can next to the bed in case you need to hurl during the night. Please try to use that instead of the bed. I’m right downstairs if you need me.” Ashton crosses the room, ready to fall into his own bed and sleep for as long as possible when he hears Calum sniffle and let out a quiet sigh.

 

“You’re never gonna love me.”

 

Ashton freezes. “What are you talking about, Cal? Of course I love you. I tell you all the time. You’re my favorite, you know that. I love you so much.”

 

Calum’s shaking his head, rolling it from side to side on the bed slowly like molasses, and Ashton watches his eyebrows knit together as he tries to find the words his vodka-impaired brain can’t quite get to.  “No, nope, nope. You love me like you love Michael and Luke, in a _stupid_ way. I’m your _buddy.”_ He spits the word out like it’s poison. “And I’munna tell you something right now, I’munna tell you a _secret_ .” He whispers out the word ‘secret’ and it would have sounded comical if Ashton couldn’t feel his own heartbeat pounding in his throat, if his feet didn’t feel stapled to the carpet. “I wanna kiss you a lot. I wanna kiss you all over and I want _you_ to wanna kiss me, but you’re not gonna.” He chuckles a little bit and lifts his hand up in front of his face like he’s just seeing it for the first time. “I wear alotta rings, huh? Ring boy.”

 

Ashton’s whole body feels like ice. He knows now what Calum meant when he said he wasn’t supposed to get this drunk around him. He knows he isn’t meant to hear what Calum’s telling him, that he would _never_ tell him this if he hadn’t fucked himself up with mass amounts of alcohol tonight. Ashton tells himself to leave, tells his feet to get themselves into gear, one in front of the other, to walk out the door so he can stumble down the stairs and into bed and fall asleep and try to block out the memory of Calum’s deep drunk voice mumbling ‘ _I wanna kiss you all over’._ He’s not supposed to hear this. He doesn’t want to know.

 

But Calum starts speaking again before he can get his traitorous feet to move.

 

“I told Michael you ruined me. He said that’s not true but I know it is. ‘Cause he says, he says people can fall in love a lot of times in their lives. But I’m not gonna do that, Ash. I’m not gonna fall in love again cause love _sucks._ I’m never gonna let anyone else know me as well as you do. You know more of me than anyone else in the whole world, and you don’t love me. You don’t wanna marry me and kiss me and eat breakfast with me every day forever. You’re gonna marry a lady from Guam. You’re gonna leave me for good someday and I’m gonna be _ruined.”_ He gasps a little after he finishes talking and Ashton can hear the tears in his voice even though he’s stopped looking at Calum, casting his eyes to the floor like if he can’t see Calum say he loves him then it isn’t really happening.

 

“I have to go downstairs,” he hears himself say. “I have to go brush my teeth.” But his feet still don’t move.

 

Calum laughs wetly. “I’d still love you if all your teeth fell out. Buy you dentures. Buy you a denture palace. All the teeth you could ever want.” It almost startles a laugh out of Ashton, because it’s just such a _Calum_ thing to say, in the middle of a drunken love confession, but his body seems pretty incapable of finding humor in anything right now. He needs to go. He needs to get far away from this room, far away from Calum, far away from the rings on his fingers and his drunken tears and his _love._

 

He turns and walks out the door.

 

Walks down the hallway, down the stairs, through the kitchen and into the bathroom.

 

Turns on the light and looks at himself in the mirror.

 

His hair is messy, falling into his face and sticking out on the left side. His eyes are red from lack of sleep and his skin is dull.

 

“ _You ruined me._ ”

 

His lips are dry and his tongue feels like cotton. He splashes some water on his face before flicking the bathroom light off and entering his room, undressing mechanically and getting into bed, his body tense and his mind reeling.

 

“ _I wanna kiss you all over._ ”

 

He brings his hands up to his face, pressing his palms against his eyes until he can see tiny neon spirals pulsing in front of him, blocking out any images he has of Calum upstairs in his guest bed, blocking everything out that he doesn’t have the energy to think about.

 

He falls asleep in an hour, his exhaustion catching up with him, and he dreams fitfully.

 

..........

 

The next morning, Ashton spends nearly an hour in bed after he’s woken up, eyes stubbornly closed, begging the night to stay a little longer. His body feels heavy with sleep and his mind with apprehension. He slowly sits up and leans back in his bed, his weight resting on his palms behind him until they start to ache as badly as his eyes, forcing him to stand and collect himself.

 

He crosses to his bedroom door and his hand hovers over the knob, hesitant. It’s ridiculous, feeling nervous in his own home, that he could open his bedroom door and find his best friend outside it. Would he be sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and pretending nothing happened? Or would he be rushing out the door, tripping over his feet? Every creak, every click outside his bedroom was Calum.  He contemplated staying where he was forever, hand over the doorknob, playing an easy game of Schrodinger’s Calum where there was a possibility that right outside, everything was exactly the same as it had always been.

 

He shakes his head and opens the door. The hall and kitchen are both empty and quiet, and his bare feet make small sticking noises as he walks across the hardwood towards his coffee machine and flips the switch. He stares down at his marble countertop and his eyes trace the swirling patterns of grey on white. Calum had once pointed out that a specific area of the counter close to the fridge had a smudge that looked just like a fish with hair. He had named it Cod Stewart and a wine tipsy Ashton had laughed until he cried.

 

The drip of the coffee machine is the only noise in the kitchen and it isn’t nearly enough to drown out the soft sound of footsteps coming down the staircase. Ashton’s heart leaps into his throat as his mind races. Should he stay standing? Sit down? Run back into his room on his tiptoes, pretend he doesn’t exist? His hands are shaking as he rests them awkwardly on the countertop, cursing himself for choosing such a clearly deliberate pose. His eyes focus on Calum as he walks through the door frame into the kitchen, searching his face desperately to see if he remembers. Calum looks tired, hungover and a little uneasy, but that could be due to the fact that he’s squeezed back into his tight pants from the night before and he hasn’t showered yet. He perches on a barstool on the opposite side of the island from Ashton and casts his eyes down.

 

“Morning.”

 

“Morning.”

 

Ashton hands him a cup of coffee, black with five sugars because Calum is a baby, and turns around to make his own, breathing a little easier. Everything could be normal, exactly like it was before. They’d finish their coffee and Calum would leave, Ashton would see him in a few days, maybe they’d get frozen yogurt and talk about Michael’s life choices.

 

“I think Luke’s coming over tomorrow. He says he has a new idea for-”

 

He’s cut off by a quiet whimper and his hands still where they’re busy stirring almond milk into his mug. He turns slowly to look at Calum, who is staring into his own puppy printed mug with an absolutely heartbreaking expression on his face, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. He reaches up and scrubs them off of his face quickly, breathing shakily and exhaling too quickly.

 

“I’m so _fucking_ sorry. Ashton, I’m so sorry.”

 

Ashton shakes his head, the sight of Calum so distressed is making him feel panicked, and his mouth works faster than his mind, “Hey, no, I’m not upset, it’s okay. Really, it’s fine, it’s fine!” He’s talking too loud. It’s not fine.

 

“It’s not fine. I’m so stupid, _god_ you must think I’m such an idiot. I was never supposed to tell you that, you were never supposed to know. I don’t know why I said that.” Calum looks distraught, he’s staring his untouched coffee down like he wants to dive into it and never come back up. “I know you don’t, I know you _couldn’t._ I know I’m not like that for you.” He lets out a little sob at that and then rests his head in his hands. He whispers from behind his fingers, “I’ve never been this embarrassed in my life.”

 

He wants to comfort him. He wants to reach across the island and take Calum’s hand in his, rub his knuckles soothingly and make him breathe easier. He wants to wrap him in his arms and feel Calums heartbeat slow down. He wants to be his calm, but he’s hurting Calum with every second of silence.

 

He can do nothing but stare. Ashton’s always considered himself brave, outgoing and fearless in a sometimes foolish way, but here, watching his best friend cry into his coffee, he feels weak. It’s like Calum has broken down every piece of him into bits, and the suit of armor he used to wear is now just a pile of scrap metal lying on his kitchen floor and all that’s left is his bare body screaming “ _I don’t know! I don’t know!_ ”

 

The quiet slowly smothers them until Calum lifts his head and wipes his eyes again, sniffling miserably, and shuffles off the barstool. “I have to go. I’m so sorry. I won’t make you uncomfortable any more, I’m sorry I cried.” He’s wringing his hands in front of him, his eyes puffy and his breathing still ragged. “Just, I’ll leave now, and I won’t call you or anything. You can call me. Not that you should, if you don’t want to talk to me, I get it. Can you just,” He looks Ashton in the eyes for the first time this morning and he lets out a pained little noise, “Just don’t talk to me about it. Please, just pretend it didn’t happen. Nothing has to change, I promise I won’t ever say anything again, I just can’t lose you, you’re my best friend.”

 

Ashton nods. He barely even knows what he’s agreeing to, all the can see are the tears on Calum’s cheeks. All he can hear is the tremble in his voice and the sound of his footsteps walking out of the kitchen and quickly out the front door. All he can think about is that this is _his_ fault, he made Calum sad, _Ashton_ is the reason he’s crying, Ashton is the reason he’s not okay. And he never wanted to be that.

 

He looks at Calum’s puppy mug. He had bought it for him six months ago, claiming that it was because Calum always stole his favorite yellow mug every morning after he’d slept over, and now he would have his own and his reign of thievery would be over. Calum had giggled and looked at him with bright eyes, tracing his fingers over the silhouette of a cocker spaniel and popping a bit of croissant into his mouth. Now, Ashton wonders if every time Calum looked at him like that, there was something sadder underneath his smile. That maybe every time he had made Calum happy, he had left another little crack in his heart.

 

He picks up his phone and debates with himself for a moment before hitting call.

 

Michael picks up after three rings. “Trashton! I was going to call you later today, Luke had an idea for the bridge on-”

 

Ashton cuts him off quickly, “Mike, I need to ask you something. And I need you to be honest with me, okay?”

 

Michael chuckled a little bit. “Yeah, okay. Listen, if it’s about the chia seeds that are missing from your pantry, I admit it might have been me who took them, but if it makes you feel any better it was absolutely not to eat them. I kind of wanted to see if they would grow into something if I planted them. Turns out, no. So you can have those back whenever.”

 

“How long ago did Calum tell you?” Ashton asks, ignoring Michael’s confession. Michael is quiet but Ashton can still hear him breathing through the phone. “Mike?”

 

“Yeah, I kinda...I need you to tell me what you’re referring to, Ash. When did he tell me what?”

 

Ashton lets out a deep sigh and examines his bare feet, swinging an inch above the ground. “When did he tell you he’s in love with me?” he asks in a quiet voice. “He said he told you. He said you know.”

 

He could hear Michael clear his throat through the phone and there was a rustling noise before he spoke again. “I don’t understand. How do you know about this? No wait, he _told_ you? What do you mean he told you?”

 

“He was drunk.” Ashton hits the speaker button on his phone and lays it down in front of himself, sinking his chin down to hit the counter and staring at the name ‘Michael Keaton’ lit up on the screen. Calum had changed it a few days ago out of boredom. “He was drunk and he told me he’s talked to you before about loving me and I just. I wanted to ask you when. I wanted to know how long he-” He cuts himself off with a frustrated groan, “God, I don’t know why I want to know. I don’t know what to _do_ with this, Michael. I don’t know if I _can_ do anything with this. Just, is this new? Have you and Luke known about this too? Have I just been completely oblivious about this? When the fuck did he fall in _love_ with me?” He closes his eyes, feeling close to tears.

 

“I can’t remember a time he wasn’t.” Michael speaks after a few moments, and Ashton can tell that unlike most times, he’s choosing his words carefully, like he’s measuring out how much of Calum to lay bare without his permission. “From the day he first met you I think he was a little bit in love with you. He didn’t know it yet but I could tell from the way he looked at you. You were so bright to him, Ash. You still are.”

 

Ashton shakes his head even though Michael can’t see him, runs his fingers through his unwashed hair and huffs out a disbelieving breath.

 

“Look, I have to be honest with you, there’s not much more I can tell you. Or at least, not much more I think I want to. This is for you to talk about with Calum, not me. I know I’m the easier choice, but I’m not the right one.”

 

Ashton picks up his phone, suddenly full of nervous energy, “I can’t, though. He already left. Michael, he told me he was sorry this morning and he cried and he left.” He’s holding his phone in his right hand, still on speaker, walking in circles around the kitchen island, occasionally switching directions when he starts to feel too routine. “He doesn’t even want me to remember he said it. He said nothing has to change, and I could forget it. He told me to pretend it didn’t happen.”

 

“Is that what you want?”

 

The question catches him off guard and he doesn’t answer for a second, not sure if he understands what Michael’s asking. “What?”

 

“Is that what you want? To pretend nothing happened?”

 

“I guess so? I mean, that would probably be best, right? I don’t want to lose him and he doesn’t want me to remember. And I don’t think of him, I mean, he’s my best friend, you know? He’s always gonna be my best friend.”

 

Michael hums. “I can’t tell you what to do. I can try, and I would love for you to just do what I want you to do when I say so, but you’re not going to. So all I’m going to do is tell you this. Calum is special to you. You don’t treat him like you treat anyone else.” Ashton feels something burn hot in his chest at that.

 

“And I’m not going to pretend I know what that means to you, because I don’t. But just know that it means everything to Calum. Before you decide to forget what he told you last night, think. Think about how he makes you feel and where he stands in your life. Because if there’s even the slightest chance you could feel what he feels for you, he deserves for you to explore that. Give yourself time. He deserves for you to be sure, whether it’s a yes or a no.”

 

Ashton knows he’s right.

 

“Michael? This is going to change everything, isn’t it?”

 

“Everything’s kind of already changed, hasn’t it? You just have to figure out what happens next.”

 

They end the call and Ashton sits back down on his barstool. He thinks about what Michael said, this means everything to Calum. That’s terrifying, the idea that he’s holding the happiness of someone so important to him in his hands, and he might not even have a choice in what he does with it. He doesn’t know if he can be what Calum wants him to be, what he deserves. Because he deserves so much. Calum deserves the world and he wants to give it to him on a silver platter, he’s just not sure he has the strength to hold it up.

 

\-------

 

_December, 2011_

 

Swallow the Goldfish hadn’t taken off. Not that Ashton had really expected it to, most high school bands don’t, but he couldn’t help but feel a little defeated when their guitarist pulled out of the band due to slipping grades, and the rest of them just kind of fizzled out, not bothering to hold auditions for someone new. Thankfully, Michael Clifford, who he’d met at a party a few months earlier, ended up being his saving grace.

 

Michael was quiet and hid behind his hair most of the time, but he was a good guitarist and Ashton liked his taste in music. He’d messaged Ashton on Facebook a few weeks ago and asked him if he’d be willing to drum with his band (it had been unnamed at that point but Michael informed him that his friends Luke and Calum were the other two members), for a gig they’d booked at a hotel. Ashton agreed easily, being decidedly unbusy after the demise of his last band, and they’d played a mediocre show to twelve people.

 

It might not have been an incredible start, but they’d all had fun and got along spectacularly, scheduling band practices frequently afterwards. Ashton liked Michael and Luke, they were driven and focused on their music in a way not a lot of people their age were. Michael was still unsure of his voice and preferred to let Luke have the spotlight when they harmonized, but even with his insecurities he was still effortlessly cool. Luke was sweet and young, but had a surprisingly loud and clear voice. His guitar skills weren’t quite up to par with Michael’s, but his blond hair and baby faced charm brought in enough views on YouTube to make up for it. Ashton fell in with them easily, and occasionally they’d just spend their time instrument-free, sprawled around Luke’s bedroom, tossing gummy bears into each other’s mouths and giggling.

 

Calum hadn’t shown up to the first few band practices before the gig, and he had left a bad taste in Ashton’s mouth in the beginning solely for that reason. Michael and Luke had explained to him that Calum was on the football team and he had to split his time, he was planning on choosing between sports and music by the end of the month. Ashton had rolled his eyes inwardly. He secretly had hoped Calum would decide to be a pro footballer. This was his last attempt at a dream he probably wasn’t going to end up living, and after the third time he’d showed up at Luke’s house to his two new friends explaining to him that “Calum couldn’t make it today because of football practice”, he was ready to kick this boy out of the band before meeting him. After all, there was no need for a third guitar player and vocalist, Luke and Michael already had that well covered.

 

Calum finally showed up for their fourth band practice, barging obnoxiously into Luke’s room and throwing himself on the bed, skinny limbs flying everywhere like a baby giraffe. The other three boys were already seated, Michael plucking at his guitar strings mindlessly. Ashton stared with narrow eyes at the hurricane of boy a few feet from him, taking in his too-big shirt and his sunny smile. Calum hadn’t noticed him yet and was in the middle of berating Luke for the lack of cheese puffs in his kitchen when Ashton cleared his throat and he startled, turning to look at in Ashton's direction, his eyes focusing on the armchair he was settled in. Calum’s eyes went wide and he cut off his cheese puff rant by choking on his own spit a little, coughing into his elbow as his face turned bright red.

 

“Oh, Cal, this is Ashton, he’s our new drummer, maybe. He’s great, this is his fourth practice.” Michael introduced them, immediately turning back to where Luke was sitting, his voice turning soft as he dictated a particular chord progression to him.

 

“And your first,” Ashton added, raising an eyebrow as he ran his gaze over Calum’s blushing face. Ashton had seen him before, on Luke’s YouTube channel, but looking at him for the first time in person he was struck by how small he seemed. He was young, probably as young as Luke, and Ashton felt some of his annoyance over the boy’s existence ebb away. Calum was clearly shy around new people, if the way he was looking at Ashton was any indication.

 

“Oh, well I’ve been to other ones. Not with you here. Obviously. We’re just meeting for the first time. I mean, you know that.” Calum hit the side of his own head with his hand. “Sorry, I get um, I can’t talk great when I’m, uh, hungry and Luke is out of cheese puffs, so.” He gestures at Luke, who sticks his tongue out and puts his middle finger up at Calum.

 

“It’s not my fault you ate them all last time you were here! Bring your own snacks, you vacuum.”

 

Calum rolled his eyes at Luke before turning back to Ashton. “I didn’t eat _all_ of them,” he remarks quietly. Ashton doesn’t respond, not quite sure what to say, and there’s a silence between the two of them as they both pretend to listen to Michael gently correcting Luke when he hits the wrong note.

 

“So, drumming, huh?” Calum pipes up, fingers tapping nervously on the bed sheets. Ashton nods and Calum gives him a shy little smile. “That’s cool. We’ve been really needing someone for that. Like, Michael played the bongos in one of our last videos but it was pretty rough, to be honest. His talent lies elsewhere.” He shuffles down on the bed, a little closer to where Ashton’s sitting, and flicks his gaze towards where Luke and Michael are deep in conversation. “I’m not really sure what I’m here for, you know? I’m not as good at singing as Luke and I can’t play guitar like Michael,” he tell Ashton, his voice low. “But they’re my best friends and I didn’t want to be left out.” He shrugs self deprecatingly. “I’m probably going to end up playing football instead of music. I love it but I’m just not quite as good at it as I need to be, I think.”

 

Ashton hummed. “I don’t know. I’ve watched all the videos you guys have posted so far-”

 

Calum mock gasped, “A fan! Can I sign something for you? I always keep a pen on me at all times for when I’m swarmed by my adoring public!”

 

“No listen,” Ashton cuts him off, giggling. “I’ve seen you sing before and you’re really good. Your voice is pretty, I like listening to it. And I don’t lie to people about their talent, so you can trust me.”

 

Calum’s face had once again turned red as a tomato and a smile had spread over it, he squinted his eyes happily at Ashton and reached up to fiddle with a lock of his short hair. “Thanks,” he murmured.

 

Ashton wasn’t sure why he had flipped a full 180 and was now essentially trying to convince Calum to stick with the band when less than ten minutes ago, he was ready to forget all about the kid and move on as a three piece. Something about Calum’s shy little confession that he didn’t think he was as good as his friends really hit home in Ashton, made him want to protect Calum from his own doubts. Regardless of his previous annoyance at Calum’s lack of motivation, he wasn’t going to lie and tell him he wasn’t talented. His voice was high and clear and his harmonies were beautiful, Ashton had been impressed when he’d heard him sing for the first time. He hadn’t been wrong about his guitar skills, but, Ashton mused, they could use a good bass player. Maybe he could bring it up once they got to know each other a little better. If they got to know each other at all, that is.

 

“Ash? Earth to Ashton? Hellooooo????” Luke snapped his fingers and snorted when Ashton finally looked over at him, confused. “Oh my god, I literally said your name like eight times. Michael and I want to start out with ‘Ocean and Atlantic’, you ready? Cal’s gonna sing harmonies.”

 

Ashton nodded and moved towards his cajon, settling into place and letting Michael lead off. He let himself get lost in the rhythm of the song, humming along occasionally with the vocals and shaking his head to the beat. He felt content, in his element up in Luke’s bedroom, drumming his heart out with his friends, listening to Michael’s guitar thrum through his body and Luke and Calum’s voices punch through the air and float towards the ceiling.

 

It’s not great. They all know it’s not great but there’s a sense of satisfaction in all of them when they manage to make it through a whole song without having to start over or completely butchering it, and Ashton feels accomplished by the time Luke announces he’s starving and it’s time for a break, dragging Michael with him out of the room and down the stairs to hunt for snacks.

 

“Oh, thank god, I thought I was going to die,” Calum announced, flopping back on the bed and giggling a little bit, biting his lip as he turns to face Ashton. “Hey, um, thanks. For what you said earlier. About me. I still don’t know if I’m really cut out for this, but I want to be. So I’m gonna think about picking this. The band. I’m not sure yet, but this is pretty special, huh?” he asks, brow furrowed like he’s not sure Ashton is going to agree, like maybe he’ll change his mind and tell Calum he was only joking and he’s better off quitting before he’s ahead. Ashton smiles back at him though, nodding his head happily.

 

“Yeah, I think it could be pretty special.”

 

\-------

 

_February, 2013_

 

Their first show opening for One Direction was fun. More than fun, the crowd was energetic, the stadium was packed and people had jumped for them, sang their songs along with them, people were happy to see them. But still Ashton had found himself tucked away in his bunk after the set was over, his mind racing and his heart pounding, and not in a good way. He pulled his legs up to his chest and tried to regulate his breathing, listening to the sounds of Luke and Michael cackling outside the bus, most likely still pelting each other with stuffed animals they’d received from fans.

 

Ashton still couldn’t believe they had actual fans, people that had showed up to see them play and brought them gifts, people that cared about their career and their music and wanted to see them succeed. The idea terrified him and another wave of anxiety rolled over him, hot and terrible and he buried his head in the space between his knees.

 

A little knock sounded outside his curtain, someone tapping on the wall outside, and he heard Calum’s curious voice, “Ash? You in here?”

 

“Mm hmm.” He answered quickly, taking a deep breath. “Sorry I ran off so fast, I just needed a second to decompress.” He chuckled a little, trying to sound normal, but he can tell it came off ingenuine and rushed.

 

“Are you okay? You don’t sound too good.” Calum’s voice was soft and sweet and Ashton considered lying to him for a moment, telling him everything was great and he’d be out in a minute, but he had never lied to Calum, not since the moment they met, and he wasn’t about to start. He lifted his head up and responded quietly.

 

“No.”

 

The curtain on his bunk was slowly pulled back and Calum’s face came into view, his doe eyes full of concern and Ashton, even in the midst of all his anxiety, couldn’t help but smile a little bit at the sight of his face, cherubic and confused. He had grown in the past few years, filled out a little and matured an ounce or so, but he still saw the kid he had met for the first time in Luke’s bedroom when he looked at him.  Calum studied him for a second and then heaved himself up, clambering onto the foot of Ashton’s bunk and shifting himself so they were facing each other, knees lined up parallel. Ashton snorted a little bit. “The bunk is gonna collapse, Cal. It’s barely meant to fit someone my size, let alone both of us.”

 

Calum shrugged. “I’ll glue it back together.”

 

They stay silent for a minute or so, just facing each other, Ashton looking down at his knees but he could feel Calum looking at him.

 

“What’s wrong?” He finally asked, his voice low and worried. “Are you upset cause you think the show was bad? Cause it wasn’t, you sounded great, everyone thinks so.”

 

Ashton shook his head. “No, it was a good show. That’s not the problem. I don’t know, I feel stupid for feeling upset right now, we’re so lucky to be here, I’m so lucky to be here.”

 

Calum frowned. “You’re not stupid. I know you don’t get upset for no reason. You can tell me what it is, I promise I won’t think it’s stupid.” He reached out to poke Ashton’s knee in what Ashton can only assume is meant in Calum’s weird little brain to be encouragement.

 

He lifted his head to look Calum in the eyes, and Calum gave him a little smile and a nod. He felt his breath calm a little bit, looking into his friend’s face. The tenseness in his shoulders lessened slightly and he let out a shaky breath.

 

Calum had a way of making him feel at ease, he was playful and goofy but he was also grounded and calm, and they’d had a few talks before like this one, Calum talking him down from a tree when things got too heavy for Ashton to deal with alone. He felt like an anchor sometimes, keeping Ashton from drifting too far away in a sea of his own thoughts, and Ashton was happy to have him around all the time but he was never more aware of it than when he didn’t feel like he could sort through his thoughts alone. Calum was the only person he knew that could turn his brain from television static to coherent thoughts with a gentle smile and an open mind.

 

“I’m scared. Things are going so fast, I don’t even understand how we got here. I feel like, out of my depth, I guess? Like I’m gonna mess up a lot. We don’t have enough experience to be doing shows this big, and I know I’m gonna mess up and people are gonna end up hating me. Tonight went fine but I feel like it’s just a matter of time before I really screw something up and I bring you all down with me. I’m not a professional musician, Cal. I don’t even know what I’m doing here.” He rushes it all out in a breath and a half, because if he didn’t say it then he probably wouldn’t have said it at all, would have kept it bottled up until he exploded.

 

Calum hummed in acknowledgement. He let Ashton’s words linger between them in the silence before looking him in the eye. “You might mess up.”

 

“Gee, thanks. I feel great now.”

 

“Nooooo, let me finish. You might mess up. We all might mess up. Just based on all of our histories, Luke’s probably the most likely to, so I really wouldn’t worry too much about that. But Ashton, if you do, that’s okay. If you fuck up in the middle of a song and we have to get back on track and it takes a whole twenty seconds, so be it. There’s no one else I’d rather have fuck up a song than you. I can’t imagine playing with anyone else, really.” Ashton smiles softly at that, shaking his head a little bit.

 

“I’m serious, man. You could fuck up so horribly, like you could ruin the whole show and it would go down in the history books as the most wonderfully ruined show ever, because everything you do is great. You could throw your drumstick right at my head and knock me out and I’d be like ‘wow, he did a great job knocking me out!’” Ashton giggled, his worry was fading into the background as he and Calum grinned at each other from across the tiny bunk.

 

“And as far as people not liking you goes, that’s just not realistic. Everyone likes you. And even if they didn’t, I still would. You’re my best friend,” Calum finishes quietly, earnestly.

 

“I am?” Ashton felt his heart swell at that. Calum was his best friend, but he figured Michael was Calum’s. Knowing he meant that much to someone like Calum, someone so funny and kind and caring, he felt like he could play ten more shows and never get tired.

 

Calum nodded. “Yeah, you are.”

 

“Oh. Well, you’re mine, too. In case you were wondering.”

 

“Good. This would have been weird otherwise.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

The bunk fell silent again, but this time it was comfortable, Ashton’s knees were aching a little bit from how tightly bent they were but he ignored it, content to just sit in the dark bus with Calum, calm and together, for a little while longer. He could still hear their bandmates outside, whooping and  cheering in post concert glory.

 

“Sorry I dragged you away from that, you could have been enjoying yourself right now instead of dealing with my angst.” He apologized but Calum waved it away.

 

“Don’t even, Michael got a Mewtwo plushie from a fan and he won’t shut up about it, he’s making sound effects and everything. I’d much rather be here. My legs are kinda starting to hurt though.”

 

“C’mon, I’m good to go outside now,” Ashton started to shift from his position on the bed. He hopped out of the bunk and extended his hands out to Calum, who happily took them and slid out as well. They stood together on the bus, facing each other with identical little smiles carved into their faces. “Don’t try to pretend you’re happier sitting here in the dark when you’ve just played the best show of your life.”

 

Calum blushed and tapped the tip of Ashton’s shoe with his own. “You think so?”

 

“You killed it out there, bro. Best bass player in the world. Everyone’s gonna know your name someday,” Ashton promised him. “Hey, we’re still going out tonight, right? Mikey said he got the name of a club that’ll let us in easy and I think we need to celebrate. Maybe find some pretty girls to hang out with, yeah? Now that we’re big rockstars,” he grinned at Calum.

 

“Right, we’ll find some pretty girls,” Calum agreed, and Ashton thought he saw a faint flash of something less than excited in his eyes, but it passed quickly and Calum looped his arm in Ashton’s, leading them out of the cramped tour bus and into the cold winter air.

  


\-------

 

_March, 2016_

 

It was nearing one in the morning when Ashton slid his key card through the sensor on his hotel door. He felt light and happy, he’d gone out with a girl he’d met after a show the night before, and they’d had fun, gotten dinner together and seen _Zootopia_. He and Bryana were in an off-again time period, and he was enjoying his freedom for the time being. He and this particular girl weren’t compatible as far as romance went and they both knew it, but they’d had fun nonetheless and Ashton felt like he’d made a new friend and considered the evening a win.

 

He made sure to stay as quiet as he could when he pushed the hotel door open and stepped inside, he and Calum were sharing a room as per usual and Calum had said he was feeling pretty tired before Ashton left, so Ashton figured he would most likely already be asleep. Which was why he was surprised to see Calum still up, the lamp by his bed flicked on and his nail in his mouth, chewing on it while he watched a video play on his laptop.

 

“Hey,” Ashton said and Calum jumped a mile in the air.

 

“Fucking shit, Ashton! I didn’t hear you come in! God, I almost just died.”

 

Ashton giggled. “Sorry, bro. I thought you’d be asleep so I was trying to be stealthy. I thought you were tired, what are you doing up? Are you watching Bake Off without me? You know I’m into it now, you’re not allowed to go on ahead.”

 

Calum rolled his eyes, “The season finished months ago, it’s not like you can’t catch up. The winner’s already been announced and you won’t let me tell you who-”

 

“Hey! I’m trying to keep the suspense alive!” Ashton interrupted, indignant. Calum shook his head.

 

“Impossible. Anyways, you don’t have to worry, I was watching a movie. Couldn’t get my brain to go to sleep.”

 

“That’s not usually a problem for you.” Ashton smirked. “Not a lot going on up there most of the time.”

 

“Shut up,” Calum snorted. He paused for a moment. “How’d your date go?” he asked softly.

 

Ashton shrugged. “Was fine. She’s hot but we’re not gonna be a thing, not really a spark, you know?”

 

Calum nodded. He fidgeted a little, bringing up his thumb to his mouth again to chew at his nail.  

 

Hey, so actually, I was kind of hoping to talk to you about something, if that’s okay?” Calum shifted on the bed so he was sitting with his feet on the floor, facing Ashton’s bed and watching as he shrugged off his coat and kicked his shoes off by the wall.

 

“Sure, what’s up?”

 

Calum seemed to think for a moment, like he was debating about something and then he shook his head quickly. “You know what, actually, nevermind. It’s okay, forget it.”

 

Ashton crossed the room and sat across from him on his own bed, facing Calum and quirking an eyebrow. “No, if it’s big enough that you can’t sleep, I want to know. Unless you’ve killed a man. If you killed someone, please don’t tell me. I don’t want to be a witness or whatever.”

 

Calum furrowed his brows. “You wouldn’t be a witness, you weren’t there. I mean, obviously you weren’t there, cause it didn’t happen. I’ve killed zero people.” He huffed out a breath. “Anyways, no, it’s nothing bad, really, at least I hope. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately and I kinda feel like I maybe want to talk about it. Not a lot, though, just a little bit. To kind of see if I’m ready to talk about it, I guess?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Calum stayed silent after that and Ashton waited for a moment and then cleared his throat, “Are you gonna tell me what it is? Cause right now everything that comes to mind is again, murder, or you have a secret identity or something.”

 

“I’m gay.”

 

Calum’s eyes were staring determinedly down at Ashton’s feet.

 

“ _Oh_.”

 

“I mean, I think. No, I know. I guess. I don’t know.”

 

Ashton cocked his head to the side in confusion. “You’re not sure?”

 

Calum sighed a little, reaching his hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose, “No, I’m sure. I’ve just never said it out loud before and it sounds kind of final, I guess. That’s a little scary.”

 

Ashton hummed, considering before he snapped his eyes up at a worrying thought, “Not scary cause of me though, right? Cause I think this is great. Like, I’m totally happy for you.”

 

Calum smiled a little at that and shook his head, “No, not because of you. Because of me. Because I’m scared of what people will think about me. And I’m scared of this being the main thing people think about when they think of me. Like, this is going to change how people look at me. That’s scary. Not that I’m like, planning on telling the whole world anytime soon.”

 

“It won’t change anything for the people that matter though. Mikey and Luke, they won’t care. None of your friends or family will see you any different.” He widened his eyes and gave Calum an obvious once-over. ”I don’t know, you look pretty much the same to me.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

He nodded in confirmation. “Yeah. You need a haircut though. You’re gonna start looking like a lego soon.”

 

Calum scoffed. “Don’t be rude.”

 

“I’m just looking out for you, Cal.” Ashton grinned. He paused for a moment. “Hey, thanks. For telling me. You know, trusting me. I love you, very very much.” He stood and took a few steps towards Calum’s bed, diving down so he was lying on the sheets and taking Calum with him, who let out a tiny grunt as Ashton elbowed him in the ribs before wrapping his arms around Calum’s waist and kissing his cheek. “Love you the most.”

 

Calum’s ears were bright red but he smiled gently as he muttered quietly, “Don’t get too sappy.”

 

“Too late. I’m a maple tree. I’m full of sap. I’m the sappiest.” Ashton poked the freckle on Calum’s cheek. “Hey, maybe we can find you a boyfriend soon, huh? You got a type?”

 

Calum shook his head quickly, his ears still red and he swallowed thickly, shifting a little bit in Ashton’s arms. “Not a type, exactly, no. And I’m definitely not ready to date yet, Jesus Christ, I’ve come out to exactly one person.”

 

Ashton hummed in acknowledgement, “Well, whatever you want to do, I support you. And if you want to talk about it more, I’ll be here.”

 

“Thanks, Ash.” Calum yawned.

 

They fell silent and Calum’s eyes began to droop a little, his exhaustion from earlier in the day clearly catching up with him. Ashton runs his hand absentmindedly up and down his back until he could feel his breathing slow down and even out, and he could tell he was either on the verge of sleep or already there. He moved back a little bit so he could look at Calum, soft and calm and pretty in his arms. He hadn’t thought of Calum as pretty before but looking at him, curled up after a long day, it was obvious to Ashton why people went nuts over him.

 

Ashton hoped those people would always be just as kind, that if Calum did decide to announce who he was to the world, it would meet him with loving arms like he deserved. If it didn’t, Ashon thought bitterly, tightening his grip on his friend’s waist, it would have him to deal with. For the rest of their lives, no matter what, he thought, he’d be by Calum’s side, taking on the world with him any way he wanted to do it.

 

\-------

 

_April, 2017_

 

Ashton hadn’t seen Calum in a few weeks. That was probably normal, band members take time apart during hiatuses, but he probably missed Calum an unhealthy amount. They still texted almost every day and called each other once in a while, but ever since Calum had gone home to spend time with his family, Ashton had felt a nagging loss in his bones, he felt incomplete without his best friend at his side, joking and giggling.

 

So he’d found himself alone, sitting at the bar in a dark club, drinking whiskey and watching the nightlife of L.A. He’d felt aimless that night, restless from being lonely for too long, and he’d grabbed his coat from its hook and driven down a couple mostly empty streets until he found himself parking a block away from a club he and Calum had been to before together. It was dark enough that he could feel anonymous and loud enough that he could get lost in the atmosphere.

 

Sometimes, when they’d go there together, Calum would find a guy to dance with and leave Ashton at the bar, watching him to make sure he was safe and no one got more handsy than Calum wanted them to. He said it was one of the only places he could go to meet guys, and Ashton felt for him, always jumping at the chance to come along with him and help scout for someone. If he was being honest, he never really saw the appeal in the guys Calum chose, they never seemed quite on Calum’s level, but he was supportive nonetheless. He’d told Calum once that he thought he could probably do better than most if not all the guys he hooked up with and Calum had just rolled his eyes, shook his head and told him to stop being so nice.

 

The music was pulsing, and his veins were thrumming with alcohol after a few drinks. He was eyeing a girl who was sitting a few seats down, thinking of asking her to dance when he felt eyes on him and he turned his gaze behind her and to the left, where a boy stood, eyeing Ashton with a little smile and a raised eyebrow. He was cute, a few inches shorter than Ashton with dark hair and tanned skin. Ashton had danced with a few guys here before, he wasn’t at all opposed to dancing with someone hot, regardless of gender. He felt a little less confident now though, by himself, without Calum to send him an encouraging smile as he danced a few feet away.

 

Ashton lifted his drink at the boy and downed the rest, feeling a little fuzzier from the alcohol. The boy crooked his finger, beckoning Ashton closer to him and Ashton chuckled, slipping out of his seat and walking over to him. He opened his mouth to introduce himself but before he could, the boy took hold of his hand and pulled him onto the dance floor. Ashton fumbled for a minute but soon found himself moving to the beat, finding the easy rhythm of the song and letting his body sing along.

 

The boy smirked at him and slowly rolled his body in a half circle, turning so his back was pressed against Ashton’s chest, his hips grinding backwards. He took Ashton’s hands and guided them to his waist. Ashton let out a sharp exhale and matched the boy’s rhythm, rocking his hips forward to the beat of the song, both of them swaying right and left. They fit together well, and Ashton thought this was probably how the guys Calum danced on felt. They probably felt strong, like he did right now, with Calum slutty and submissive in their arms, pushing his ass back and rolling his head back to rest on their shoulders. They probably felt weak, at the same time, when he looked up at them through his thick, dark lashes and smiled, teasing them by licking his pretty, full lips.

 

Ashton felt himself starting to thicken in his trousers, rolling his hips harder against the boy’s ass. He wondered if Calum liked it, when he could feel the guys that he danced with hard against his ass. When he could feel how they turned him on, how much they wanted to bend him over on the dance floor and take him hard. Calum had confessed to him once, with a red face after much prying, that he liked when a guy took charge, liked to be controlled. He wondered if that’s what happened when he went home with a guy. He’d seen it happen, Calum grinding on someone in a club, sweaty and needy, taking the guy’s hand and pulling him out the door. Showing up the next day to rehearsal, tired and messy haired but loose and content. He wondered if they’d held his wrists down on the bed, fucked him hard and made him whine, or if he rode them, fast and desperate, chasing what he needed and using them for his own pleasure.

 

Ashton was hard, straining against his pants, and the boy in his arms rocked back against him, letting out a little moan at the feeling. Ashton nosed along he back of the boy’s neck and tightened his grip on his waist. The boy giggled and turned around in his arms, looking up at Ashton with wide pupils leaning in to mumble in his ear, “You gonna take me home?”

 

Normally, if Ashton had found himself in a situation like this, drunk and horny, grinding up against someone in a dark club like his life depended on it, he’d jump at the chance to bring them back home with him. But as soon as he looked the boy in the eyes, it felt wrong. He felt wrong. He shook his head, backing up a little bit, “Sorry, sorry, not tonight. Can’t tonight, gotta go.”

 

The boy shrugged and turned away and Ashton stumbled towards the bar, paying his tab quickly and leaving a huge tip for the harried bartender who thanked him and wished him a good night. He nodded distractedly, his dick still at half mast in his pants and his mind set on home. He pushed past the throng of bodies to the exit and walked out of the club, down the street and on his way home. He was too buzzed to drive, he’d have to leave his car where it was and pick it up in the morning. The walk home was around fifteen minutes and Ashton barely thought at all while he made his way, staring down at his feet, watching the pavement fall away under his boots.

 

He fumbled with his keys when he reached his front door, his blurry mind trying hard to connect the right one to the lock. When he finally got it right, he let out a muted little cheer and tripped a little over the threshold, slamming the door behind himself and walking over to the couch, throwing himself down on his back and closing his eyes. His cock was still slightly hard from the club and he palmed it absentmindedly through his trousers, not really focusing on it yet. He felt almost like he could fall asleep instead, his body relaxed and his bones heavy and tired. But he twitched slightly where he was palming himself and he sighed, wiggling until his pants and underwear were low enough that he could take his cock in his hand and stroke a little. He squeezed lightly, still only half hard, and thought back to the boy in the club, grinding on him. He tried to remember how it felt, how he felt needy and hot against Ashton, but every time he pictured the boy looking up at him, he felt annoyed and unsatisfied.

 

He let his mind wander, focusing on how it felt to be wanted, to have someone against him, and he let out a slow, even breath as he imagined Calum against him instead of the boy. Calum rocking his hips back, breathing hot and hard against his neck, his head dropped back on Ashton’s shoulder, Calum lacing their hands together and holding on tight. Ashton all but purred at the thought, his cock pulsing a little in his hand as he stroked more quickly, fully hard and lost in his thoughts.

 

If it was Calum, grinding on him, pushing his ass back against Ashton’s cock, Ashton would know just what to do to make him feel good. He could make him so overcome and desperate for his dick that he’d barely be able to stand, Ashton would have to hold him up by his waist and he’d whine and moan. He’d push his cock against Calum, make him feel how hard he was for him, how hot Calum made him and Calum would whine and moan and beg Ashton to take him home, to fuck him hard.

 

Ashton would guide him out of the club and drive them home and fuck him right, fuck him the way he wanted, and Calum would moan out his name for the neighbors to hear. He’d lay Calum down on the bed and strip him, kiss down his stomach and make him shiver, make him whine and thrash his head back and forth on the pillow.

 

Ashton moaned, his hand stroked and squeezed his leaking cock, his breathing was shallow and stuttering and his hips were ticking up into his hand.

 

He would hold Calum’s hips down on the bed while he fucked into him, and he would beg for more, beg for Ashton to ruin him, and Ashton would pound into him hard and fast. He would satisfy Calum, fill him up and make him come long and hard enough to forget what every guy had looked like before Ashton, he’d make Calum forget any word except Ashton’s name, make him scream it. He’d mark him up, put pretty bruises on Calum’s neck so next time they went out dancing and Calum found a guy to push his slutty little ass back on, he’d know Calum was taken. He’d know that Ashton had taken him, over and over, made him _his._

 

Ashton gasped and came hard, pumping his cock fast and thrusting his hips into his fist, his mouth open on a silent moan and his other arm thrown over his eyes in bliss. He gave his dick one last squeeze, exhaling hard and letting his come covered hand fall next to the couch, finding his jacket he’d thrown off earlier that day and wiping it on the lapel. He knew sober, cranky Ashton would hate him for it in the morning but he couldn’t find it in himself to care when he felt half awake and sated. He curled in on himself a bit and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

 

…………..

 

He woke up the next morning a little after ten, feeling groggy and disgusting. His mind flashed back to the night before and he felt a guilty heat crawl up his spine as he thought about what he’d done. Calum would probably think he was crazy if he knew what Ashton had thought about last night. He’d run screaming for the hills. Of course, it hadn’t meant anything. He had just been drunk and horny and his mind had gone to a weird place that worked in the moment, but he couldn't help but feel ashamed when he sat up and caught a glimpse of his ruined jacket on the floor next to him.

 

He made the walk back to his car after a couple minutes of complaining to himself for getting drunk alone, and by the time he was driving back home again, he’d convinced himself that the weird thoughts he’d had about Calum were the sum of too much tequila and being away from his best friend for a little too long. He parked his car outside and trudged tiredly back through his door, all thoughts of the night before packed up tightly in a little box in the back of his mind with a note taped to it that said ‘Fragile, Handle With Care’.

 

\-------

 

_October, 2018_

 

Ashton was in his element. Sitting at his drum kit, pounding away, screams and whistles and the sound of Michael’s guitar screeching through his ears and lighting up his soul. He’s sweating, his hair flopping in his face and he knows at this point in the show, nearing the break before the encore, he looks a mess. They’re halfway through _Want You Back_ and Luke is dancing his heart out, Ashton grins as he watches him flail around, the confidence he’s built somehow managing to make it look like he knows how to move. Michael is lit up like a Christmas tree, he thrives on stage, maybe the most out of all of them, and his energy is infectious as the crowd of people closest to his side of the stage shout and sing back to him.

 

Ashton’s eyes fall to Calum and his breathing falters a little bit in its rhythm as he thinks, not for the first time, that there couldn’t possibly be anything in the world that could capture him completely like Calum does. This is a fact Ashton had come to terms with a while ago, that his best friend contained a beauty that was unique and precious. Calum glows like an angel onstage. He’s more subdued than the rest of them, more calculated, but he’s sure of himself and holds a calm that Ashton finds himself feeding off of constantly, always aware of where Calum is when he’s playing, always feels a pull towards him.

 

He’s mesmerized, and he feels himself nearly falter towards the end of the song, his drumstick slipping slightly in his grasp and he pulls himself back to reality quickly, finishing off the song before he slips backstage for a few minutes during the encore. It wasn’t the first time he’d lost his focus onstage, far from it, but it was the first time it had been so clear to him why. It was silly, getting lost in just staring at his best friend, admiring him when he was supposed to be concentrating on the show. It was hard not to, though. Looking at Calum perform made him realize how lucky he was to be around him, to share his space with someone so full of good and light. How lucky he was to share his world with someone like Calum.

 

He glanced over to where Calum was giggling with Luke over a squashed muffin on the floor and felt a grin spread across his face in spite of himself.

 

 _She Looks So Perfect_ and _Youngblood_ go off without a hitch and Ashton takes his bow before running back offstage again. He felt like he needed to clear his head, get some fresh air. The air backstage was thick and sweaty and stifling and he sighed as he pushed open an exit door and was met with a small concrete patio, fenced in around an electrical unit. He leaned against the chain link and exhaled, staring up at the stars.

 

He stood for a minute or so before he heard Calum’s voice calling his name, and he heaved himself off the fence, yanking the door open and poking his head down the hall where Calum was walking the other direction.

 

“Out here!” He shouted and Calum turned, his face lighting up.

 

“Hey! What’s out there?” He asked, skipping over to the door and walking outside to stand with Ashton. “Ah, a water heater. Stunning. You always know where to find the best after parties.”

 

“The stars are nice, man. Look, that one is you,” Ashton pointed at a bright, flickering star in the middle of the sky.

 

“You know I have no idea which one you’re pointing at, right? Like there’s no way I could ever know that. There are millions up there.” Calum is smiling fondly at him, still shining in post show energy.

 

“Just find the brightest one, that’s you,” Ashton replied. Calum huffed out a laugh and rubbed the back of his neck.

 

“Thanks,” he spoke softly.

 

“You heading back to the bus tonight with the rest of us?” Ashton asked him, expecting an immediate yes.

 

Calum shakes his head though, “No actually, Jake asked me to get a drink so I’m gonna do that instead. He found a place that looks cool.”

 

Ashton frowned, “Sound guy Jake who tripped over Luke’s boot that one time?”

 

“Yeah, that’s his official title, but he told me just to call him Jake. He’s pretty humble.” Calum joked, crossing his arms and smiling.

 

Ashton waited for a minute, confused. Usually Calum would invite him out too if he was going somewhere after a show, but as he took in Calum’s slightly nervous energy and the way he was biting his lower lip distractedly, he realized this was a _date._

 

“ _Oh_ , got it, right. Well, you guys have fun. Call me if he gets too fresh.” He forced out a laugh.

 

“Right,” Calum laughs too, much more easily. “Will do, thanks for the lifeline. Always looking out, huh?”

 

“Damn straight,” Ashton confirmed and Calum chuckled and gave him a little goodbye wave. He slipped back through the door and down the hallway to meet Jake, and Ashton leaned back against the fence, trying to figure out why he felt so weird. Jake was perfectly nice, seemed like he would treat Calum well, but something ugly inside of him reared his head at the idea of Jake making Calum laugh and blush.

 

There was a little monster inside of him growling at the thought of Jake kissing Calum, putting his hands all over him where they didn’t fit. He slapped his face lightly, telling himself to snap out of it. Calum was allowed to have a boyfriend, and other friends. He _should._ Ashton wasn’t going to lose his best friend over a drink with the sound guy.

 

He shivered a little, the cool night air biting at his skin, and he opened the door into the empty hallway. Part of him hoped that Calum would still be there, that maybe he would have changed him mind and was walking back to tell him that he’d decided to hang out with Ashton and the others instead, but he was gone. Ashton made his way down the hall and told himself that he’d make plans to hang out with Calum tomorrow, maybe just the two of them. It had been too long since they’d had a day to themselves. Maybe they could watch some movies, he could pick up some sugary snacks for Calum in the morning and then lecture him on the health detriments while he watched him eat. Calum always chewed more aggressively when Ashton lectured him on healthy food, like he was rubbing it in that his mouth was full of double stuf Oreo mush.

 

They could curl up on the couch together and watch something stupid, maybe a teen movie from the early 2000’s, and Calum could comment on the plot holes and Ashton could admire the way he crinkled his eyes in bewilderment. Maybe Calum would fall asleep during the second movie and Ashton could cover him in a soft blanket and listen to the little noises he makes when he sleeps.

 

He reached the end of the hall and paused before he opened the door, he could hear Michael and Luke talking just on the other side, and he sent a text to Calum.

 

_Wanna come over tomorrow? 8 or so?_

 

Calum texts back a few seconds later.

 

_It’s a plan :)_

 

The monster inside of him yawned and curled up in contentment.

 

\-------

 

_Present day_

 

“I love Calum.” He says it out loud, just like he’d said it to Calum many times before, and it feels no different. He loves Calum, just like he loves Michael and Luke. But is it the same? It doesn’t feel the same. His heart doesn’t beat differently when he looks into their eyes, he doesn’t feel the same flutter in his stomach when he makes them laugh. He doesn’t spend nights awake thinking about them, pondering their beauty and replaying the tilt of their heads when he talks to them.

 

“I’m in love with Calum.” It feels no different. Had it ever been different?

 

“I’m in love with Calum.” _Oh_.

 

There’s a knock at the door and he jumps over to it, pulling it open and finding Luke standing on his doorstep. “Hey! Michael said you were home and I thought I’d stop by, I have an idea for-”

 

“I’m in love with Calum!”

 

Luke blinks. “Yeah, probably. Is he here? I can tell him too, it’s about-”

 

“No, he’s not! He’s gone and I fucked up and let him go and made him cry and he’s gonna hate me now because I was a blind idiot, and he’s probably moved on since this morning and found sound guy Jake again and they’re gonna raise Duke’s puppies together, and-”

 

Luke slaps a hand over his mouth, “Oh my god, do you ever stop for one second? First off, Duke is neutered, he can’t have puppies. And second, Calum’s not going to hate you. And then third, can you please explain what’s happening? Also can I come in? It’s cold.”

 

Ashton nods and moves aside and Luke walks inside and settles himself in a big armchair.  Ashton paces in front of him, “Calum got drunk last night and told me he loved me.”

 

“Oh my _god_.”

 

“I _know,_ and then he said sorry this morning and I barely said anything and he cried and left, and I called Michael, and he said to think about it before I did anything else, and so I thought about it and it turns out I’m in love with him, like totally. I literally jacked off to him once, and I told myself it didn’t mean anything, isn’t that wild?”

 

Luke wrinkles his nose, “I wish I hadn’t come inside.”

 

“I have to tell him. You should have seen his face, Luke. He was so sad, it was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”

 

Luke nods slowly. “Right. But instead you’re talking to me about sound guy Jake and worrying that he hates you instead of going and telling him.” Luke pauses and crinkles his nose, thinking.  “Was sound guy Jake the one who tripped over my boot? Didn’t he move to Europe or something?”

 

“Alaska,” Ashton muttered, tapping Calum’s contact in his phone and hitting call. No answer.

 

“Fuck, he’s ignoring me.” He whined, calling a second time with no answer.

 

“Text him, then? But don’t tell him you love him over text, that’s trashy,” Luke hastily added, “just say you need to talk to him. Oh, but in a nice way, so he doesn’t think you’re mad. Actually, just ignore me. Actually, don’t text him. Just go over there and talk to him in person, that’s better.”

 

“Fuck you Luke, I already texted him. Is that bad? I just said we needed to talk. He’s gonna think that’s bad, isn’t he? I have to go, I’m going over there right now.” Ashton runs his hands through his hair distractedly as he grabs his keys. “Get up, come on, get out of my house.”

 

Luke shakes his head, “No thanks, I just got here and it’s cold outside. Don’t worry, I’ll guard the fridge for you. Now go sweep Calum off his feet, or something. You want a mint?”

 

Ashton speeds out the door, barely ever registering Luke’s words, and slides into his car, revving the engine and peeling out of his parking spot, his heart pounding as he tightens his grip on the wheel and races towards Calum’s house.

 

……….

 

He knocks on the door quickly and unrelentingly, for nearly three minutes until he hears the lock click and Calum’s face peeks through the gap in the door. He looks tired and disheveled, his hair is attempting to curl after his shower even after being destroyed with bleach and he’s wearing an old Rolling Stones tee with an old am stain near the collar. Ashton thinks he’s the most beautiful thing on Earth.

 

“Can I come in?” He asks.

 

Calum nods and opens the door fully, stepping aside and letting Ashton inside his dark house. He flicks on a lamp in the entryway and turns so his body is angled to Ashton but his face is still cast downwards, looking at his own feet. “I told you I don’t want to talk abou-”

 

“I love you,” Ashton rushes out, desperation burning in every inch of him, every second he isn’t telling Calum how precious he is to him feels like another second of wasted time. “Completely, in every way, I’m in love with you. I’m in love with the way you move and how you speak, and I miss you every minute I’m not with you. I want every part of you, all the time. I’m so sorry it took me this long to realize it, and I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused you along the way. I love you so much, I love you. I love you.” He searches Calum’s face wildly for a reaction, _anything_ , but he’s still looking at the floor, the only indication that he heard anything Ashton said in the furrowing of his brows and the tilt of his head. “Calum? Say something, please? I’m getting nervous, you still love me, right? Cause I’m not taking that back, I rehearsed that the whole drive over, and I’m-”

 

“I don’t believe you.” It’s soft, and Ashton almost misses it with the way his own voice keeps bulldozing through the silent room.

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t believe you.” Calum lifts his head to look at Ashton now, and Ashton can see the confusion on his face, the mistrust, and it makes him want to die. Calum lets out a shaky breath, “You can’t love me. I’ve wanted you for so long and you’ve _never,_ Ashton, you never…” He sniffs a little bit and Ashton realizes in horror that he’s crying again. “You don’t want me. You just think you do cause I told you.”

 

He’s rubbing at his teary eyes, clearly embarrassed about crying again, and Ashton can’t take it , crossing the short distance to him and pulling him into his arms. Calum melts into them without the resistance he was expecting, but he’s still whispering against Ashton’s neck, “You're lying. You can’t love me like that. You’d never want me like that.” Ashton’s heart breaks as he thinks Calum’s probably been repeating these words to himself for years, so many times that he believes them as soon as he says them, and he holds Calum tighter against his chest, rubbing his hands up and down his back in what he hopes is a soothing motion. He presses a kiss to the side of Calum’s head and he can feel his grip tighten where his hand is fisted in Ashton’s shirt.

 

“Hey, _hey_ , shhh, you’re okay. Sweetheart, I’ve got you. Let’s go sit on the couch, okay?” Calum takes a deep breath and nods against his neck and Ashton laces their fingers together, guiding them to the couch and gently pulling Calum down to sit next to him. “You don’t believe me?” Calum shakes his head stubbornly. “Tell me why. Tell me how to make you believe.”

 

Calum looks into his eyes, sniffling a little bit, and he shrugs. “If you loved me, how could you not know? I’ve known for years, Ash. I’ve known for so long it’s just become a part of me, it’s part of who I am. I feel it every day. If you love me, how could you ignore it?”

 

Ashton studies him for a moment. “I didn’t always know it, but I always felt it. I knew how important you were to me, I knew I could watch you do nothing for hours. I knew I missed you as soon as you walked out of the room. I felt connected to you in a way I didn’t feel with anyone. I pushed all of that aside because we weren’t like that. I pushed it away and I called you my best friend because that was all I could think to call you. But you know I say a lot of nonsense.”

 

Calum snorts at that. “You did try to convince me that carniferous was a word last time we played scrabble.”

 

“It is! Look it up on Urban Dictionary, it means ‘man who eats pine tree’!”

 

Calum shakes his head fondly, sniffling a little bit. “Okay, so you’re telling me you’re just incredibly oblivious to your own feelings and you spent years not understanding that you loved me because you’re _dumb_? I guess that’s believable.”

 

“I deserve that,” Ashton smiles at him. “So you believe me now?”

 

“I can start to. There’s just…” Calum trails off and his face looks pensive.  

 

“Just what?”

 

“I’ve just always thought you would end up with someone, um, someone beautiful.” He looks up at the ceiling. “Every time we would pass someone on the street and you’d talk about how pretty they were, the people you’ve gone out with, I just figured-” He stops himself and shakes his head, clearly trying to collect his thoughts. “I’m not saying this right. I just. You love me, but are you um, attracted to me?” He asks quietly, like he’s afraid of the answer. “I’m not pretty like that. I’m just me. Is that enough for you?”

 

Ashton watches him speak incredulously. “Do you know what I’ve always thought about you? Which, in retrospect, should have been a glaringly obvious sign that I was into you as more than a friend, but that’s beside the point right now.” He shifts a little closer to Calum on the couch and lifts his chin so he’s looking directly into his eyes. “I’ve always thought, beauty is never constant, but on you, it is. It never wavers. Flowers die, rivers dry up, but you’re more beautiful every time I look at you. The way you carry yourself, the way you treat people, your laugh, your voice. Every part of you makes me weak.”

 

Calum’s blushing, a tiny smile on his face.

 

“Also, you’ve got hot legs,” Ashton continues. Calum blushes an even deeper red, and Ashton decides it’s his favorite color in the world, so he keeps going. “Your thighs are so strong, love sitting behind you on stage and watching you jump around. Could stay behind you forever just watching you move. And your arms, they’re hot. Sometimes when I watch you carry groceries out of the car I think about loading your arms up with like six bags each just so I can watch your arm muscles work.” Calum lets out a shaky little laugh, squirming where he sits on the couch, and Ashton grins. “Love your neck, love your cute little ears,” he reaches up a hand to trace Calum’s jawline and Calum makes a tiny noise in the back of his throat. “Love your eyes, prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen. Love how they look when you’re smiling. I want to know how they’ll look when I’m on top of you, making you feel good.”

 

Calum lets out a whine at that, “ _Ashton_.”

 

“Love your nose, love this little freckle on your cheek. So cute. And your lips, Calum, so pretty. Such a pretty mouth.” He leans in so his breath is ghosting over Calum’s lips, so close to him, “Can I-”

 

Calum nods quickly before he can finish his sentence and Ashton leans in the rest of the way, pressing his lips against Calum’s for the first time. He feels everything shift into place, his whole body is electric as he capture’s Calums lower lip in between his own and presses kiss after kiss to his mouth. Calum sits, letting himself be kissed, but Ashton can feel hesitancy from him, and he opens his eyes and pulls away, just far enough so he can look at Calum without going cross eyed. His eyes are closed and his breathing is quick, and his hands are trembling at his sides, like he isn’t sure what to do with them. Ashton realizes with a pang of sadness that he isn’t sure Ashton wants to be touched by him, and he wants to kick himself for ever making Calum believe he didn’t have all of him, that he wasn’t allowed to take whatever he wanted, touch whatever he wanted. He slowly reaches down and takes Calum’s shaky hands in his and guides them to his own waist.

 

“Okay, baby?” He murmurs, and Calum makes a choked little noise at the pet name and nods quickly again. Ashton leans in a second time, kissing him deeply and it’s like a dam breaks in Calum, he tightens his grip on Ashton’s waist and kisses him back hungrily, tongue stroking against Ashton’s and his lips hot and insistent. Ashton’s hands dip under his shirt and wander the sides of Calum’s torso, exploring how his hot skin feels underneath his fingertips. Calum lets out a little moan at the touch and breaks away from Ashton’s mouth, burying his face in the dip between Ashton’s neck and collarbone and mouthing at the skin there. Ashton brings his hands up to cradle Calum’s head and pulls him back up for a kiss, needy for it now that he knows how it feels, how Calum’s mouth makes him feel. “So pretty, baby,” He whispers between hot kisses to Calum’s mouth, “My pretty boy, love you so much.”

 

Calum whines at that, his hands now on Ashton’s chest, over his shirt, and they’re more sure now, traveling over the planes of his body with purpose, and Calum lets out a frustrated little noise and brings them to the hem of Ashton’s shirt, tugging at it, unable to speak with the way Ashton’s kissing him breathless. Ashton breaks away for a moment, rubbing his nose sweetly against Calum’s, and mutters quietly, “You want me to take it off, sweetheart? Want to touch?”

 

Calum gasps and nods, “Yeah, yeah, want to, please Ash, want to know how you feel.”

 

Ashton pulls back to lift his shirt over his head, and tosses it to the side carelessly before leaning back in and kissing him again, and this time Calum’s hands are on his bare chest, stroking over his muscles, traveling around to his back and up to his shoulders, mapping out his body with touch, and Ashton feels dizzy, his own hands restless as he runs them through Calum’s blonde hair, down his arms, back up to his face, cupping his jaw as he licks into his mouth. Calum moans and separates from him for a moment to tug off his own shirt and when Ashton leans back in, Calum instead pushes on him gently until he’s lying on his back on the couch, hovering over him, his hands planted on either side of Ashton’s torso, and he looks fleetingly up into Ashton’s eyes before leaning down and pressing a kiss to his chest, right over his heart.

 

He trails back up to Ashton’s mouth, leaving kisses on his collarbone, up his neck, over his cheek, and finally his lips and Ashton groans as their bare chests press together finally, the soft touch of Calum’s tongue brushing hot against his own makes his dick twitch where it’s almost fully hard in his jeans, and he feels so hot, like he could catch fire and burn away right now and it wouldn’t even matter because he got to feel Calum on top of him on this couch, gasping and wanting him and so all encompassing that Ashton doesn’t think it’s possible for there to be a world outside this room.

 

Ashton can feel Calum hard in his sweatpants when he grinds down slightly and he tosses his head back on the couch cushion, panting and running his hands down Calum’s back, stopping before the curve of his ass and tracing the dimples by the bottom of his spine. “Cal, baby,” He gently pushes the waistband of Calum’s sweats down an inch, “Want to touch more, is it okay, can I take them off?”

 

Calum lets out a little whimper, “ _Please, please, please_ ,” and Ashton brings his head back up to kiss him again while he unties the lace on Calum's pants and pushes them down his legs, and when they get stuck at his knees, Calum whines in frustration and pulls all the way off Ashton, quickly tugging them all the way off his legs and giving Ashton a pointed look, his eyebrow raised and gestures to Ashton’s pants. “Yours too, I don’t wanna have to get off you again in like two minutes.”

 

Ashton huffs out a little laugh and unbuttons his own jeans, pulling them down his thighs and kicking them off and he watches Calum’s eyes travel to where his hard cock is making a noticeable bulge in his boxers. Calum lets out a little sigh and climbs clumsily back on top of him, pulling him in for a deep kiss as Ashton trails his fingers back down Calum’s back, this time not stopping before he reaches down and cups Calum’s ass in his hands and squeezes gently. Calum mewls against his lips, rocking his ass back into his hands and then grinds forward, pressing their dicks together through their boxers and Ashton feels lightheaded, squeezing harder and bucking his own hips up, chasing the feeling of Calum hard against him, needy for him.

 

“Want you, why didn’t we take these off,” he growls against Calum’s mouth, shoving his hands under his boxers and gripping his bare ass firmly, and he feels Calum shudder on top of him, making sweet little noises every time he ruts his cock against Ashton through their underwear. He doesn’t reply, just brings his hands down to tug at Ashton’s boxers, pushing them down to his ankles, and then his own, pulling them all the way off, and settles himself so he’s straddling Ashton’s thighs, burying his face in his neck and panting, running his hands up and down Ashton’s arms.

 

Their bare cocks slide together, wet with precome and Ashton groans, his hands finding Calum’s ass again, his fingernails digging into the skin in a way that must sting a little but Calum just whimpers, grinding harder against him and tightening his grip where his hands are resting on Ashton’s biceps. He looks down and moans softly as he watches Ashton’s dick working against his own, their hips moving in sync.

 

Ashton pulls him in for another kiss and he goes willingly, sucking on Ashton’s tongue helplessly and pulling back to breathe hard, lips still hovering over Ashton’s. “There’s so much I want to do to you,” Ashton breathes against his mouth and Calum exhales roughly, kissing his jaw and working his hips hard against Ashton’s. “Gonna make you come,” Ashton whispers, “Wanna make you feel so good.”

 

“You do, you do,” Calum breathes out, eyes closed and cheeks flushed, “You feel so good, so good, Ash.”

 

“God, wanna do so much, baby, but I’m not gonna last. You’re so gorgeous, gonna come just like this,” Ashton moans, squeezing his ass roughly and sliding his dick against Calum’s relentlessly. “Wanna lay you down, get my mouth on you. That sound good, pretty boy? Wanna eat you out, you’re so hot, baby.” Calum trembles against him, nodding his head quickly and working his hips faster. “Wanna open you up, make you come on just my fingers, fuck you on them until you can’t take it, _yeah,_ gonna slide my cock into you, pound you until you cry, _god,_ you’d look so pretty, all full on my dick, begging for more. Would you beg for me, pretty baby?”

 

Calum’s a mess on top of him, shaking and keening, his cock twitching where it’s rubbing against Ashton’s, “Uh huh, _Ash,_ want that so bad, wanna feel you inside, _need it,”_ he pleads , arching his back and pushing his ass back further into Ashton’s hands.

 

“Yeah, sweetheart? You need to feel me here?” Ashton dips his fingers in between Calum’s cheeks and rubs over his hole and Calum cries out, bucking his hips harder and faster, breathing hot and uneven into Ashton’s neck. “Come on, baby, show me how pretty you are when you come, need to see you, such a good boy. Wanna feel you come on me.”

 

Calum nods and whines, “ Yeah, gonna, gonna come, gonna make me come. “ Ashton growls and rubs two of his fingers over Calum’s hole with more purpose and rolls his hips up, he can feel himself teetering on the edge of oblivion and even when his mind is clouded with lust he cares about nothing more than taking care of Calum, he needs to feel Calum trembling against him in ecstasy, needs to know he can make him feel amazing, “Come on baby, let go, let me see you.”

 

Calum gasps as he comes, hips working desperately back against Ashton’s fingers and forward against his cock, spurting out come over Ashton’s stomach and chest, his cheeks red with exertion and his eyes shut tightly. “There you go, such a good boy, love you so much, so perfect, Calum,” Ashton whispers in his ear and Calum makes a choked noise, slumping against Ashton for a moment before he picks himself up slightly, running his eyes over Ashton’s body, messy with his come, cock rock hard and straining against his stomach. He trails his hand down Ashton’s body and Ashton watches, transfixed as he swipes some of his own come on his fingers and brings them to his mouth to taste. “ _Baby,_ my baby, god, you’re so hot, so good,” Ashton babbles, hips ticking up as he watches Calum suck on his own fingers. He pops them out of his mouth and reaches down, taking Ashton’s length in his soft hand and stroking him gently, it’s hot and slick with Calum’s spit and come and it only takes a few seconds before Ashton’s spilling over Calum’s fist with a deep groan, bucking his hips wildly.

 

He pulls Calum into his chest, kissing his swollen lips and resting his hands on the small of his back. “Good?” he asks softly, bumping Calum’s nose with his own gently. Calum huffs out a breathless little giggle. “Duh.” He snuggles into Ashton, wincing a little at the sticky mess between their bodies. “Should shower though. We’re gross.”

 

Ashton hums. “Mmm, don’t know about that. I kind of like you covered in come. I feel like it’s on brand for you. Could be an everyday thing if you wanted it to be.” He winks and Calum rolls his eyes fondly, pressing one last kiss to Ashton’s lips before pulling himself off the couch completely, holding out his hands to Ashton who grumbles at the lack of warm boy on top of him but takes them anyways, letting Calum haul him up and pull him towards the shower.

 

……….

 

After they’ve showered, which took far too long due to Ashton pressing Calum against the tile wall so he could kiss him dizzy, Calum whimpering and sighing beautifully under his ministrations, they put on cozy pajamas and lay back down on the couch.  Ashton is on his back with Calum snuggled up to his side, his fingertips tracing the features of Calum’s face reverently, a soft smile on his mouth.

 

“I think this is all I want to do for the rest of our lives. Everything we need to do from now on can take place on this couch. We can play shows on this couch. Eat our meals here. If we want to go outside we can hitch a rope to Luke’s back and make him wheel us around. I just want to lie here with you, forever and ever.” He leans down to kiss Calum, deep and gentle and Calum hums against his lips, tightening his arm a little where is wrapped around Ashton’s torso.

 

“You’re already planning out the rest of our lives, huh?” He mumbles when he breaks away and Ashton nods seriously, moving from his lips to his nose, kissing it softly before answering.

 

“There was never a moment since I met you that I wasn’t planning a future with you in it.” At his words, Calum blushes and smiles before trying to cover up a yawn, raising his fist to rub at his tired eyes. Ashton smiles fondly at him. “Baby, go to sleep. It’s been a long day.”

 

Calum sighs and cuddles in further, his cheek resting against Ashton’s chest. “I don’t wanna sleep,” he whispers stubbornly, but his eyes are slipping shut. “I don’t want today to be over yet. I like today.”

 

“Tell you what, we’ll do it again tomorrow without the first part. Then it’ll be an even better day. Pinky promise,” Ashton tells him, and Calum grunts a little bit, mumbling something incoherent.

 

Five minutes later, Calum is snoring softly on his chest and Ashton is staring at the ceiling, his arm wrapped tight around Calum’s shoulders. The world is quiet and beautiful, and his mind is at peace for once, calm and content with the fact that this is exactly where he belongs.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This is my first fic ever, feedback or a comment would be much appreciated.  
> [My Tumblr ](https://reversecow.tumblr.com)


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